Sunday, April 1, 2007

I get sad.

Well, I guess I'll just let you in on a little something.

I'm going through a strange couple of months. More like a strange year - it seems that this year, more than any time in my life, I've been longing for a husband.

Maybe it's an age thing. I'm getting to be "about the marrying age" (ha-ha!), and maybe it's the old biological clock starting to tick with more urgency. But, I think I've always felt a bit this way. I was telling a friend that for as long as I could remember, I've never had any clearly defined career or life goals, but I've always been quite certain that I was meant to be a wife and mother. "Meant"? How do I know this? I don't. It's possible that God wants me to be single. To stay single. As much as it hurts me to say it... maybe it's not his plan for me, at least at this time, to find a man to share life with.

People always say to embrace your singlehood - God can really use you in this time of freedom, a time where you have no attachments to hold you back from serving Him fully. But I can't help thinking of how much more efficiently I could be serving if I only had someone to partner with, to help and work alongside. Some one to encourage me, to help me not feel so alone.

Alone. I know I should be clinging to God when lonliness comes knocking. Maybe this is His way of teaching me to turn to Him for companionship, for wholeness. I don't know. But there must be some greater purpose to the yearning I feel.

Maybe I just want to be loved. But I am! I am so abundantly loved by God, and I know it. I just want to be loved by someone material, mortal. I was praying today during the communion service at church, thanking God for loving me so much that He would reach out in such a miraculous way to snatch me up into His kingdom (I should really share my God story here sometime) - and then the thought floored me. Why would he want me? There is nothing special or interesting or even that useful about me - why did he take such efforts to claim me? I guess I had never really considered it before. And I haven't yet figured out the answer. We are all inherently valuable, I guess. Am I destined for great things in the kingdom? I don't feel it. I feel sinful. I know somewhere in Jeremiah, God says he has great plans for us. I wonder what His plan is for me. Can I do it, do I have the strength, without a husband at my side? Do I have the confidence?

I just wish I could turn off my longings. I know it is the devil's ploy - to make me frustrated and angry with God for not sending a husband my way, for "making me wait".

Pray, okay?


"God is not a deceiver, that He should offer to support us, and then, when we lean upon Him, should slip away from us." – Augustine


Vaness said...

I love and appreciate your honesty.
And I would think God does too.